Just because we’ve already covered so many predictions about music for 2014, (here and here), I figure we should try to do some 2014 movie reviews (or predictions, rather), too.
Please don’t argue with me, as these are hypothetical, and a bit satirical. Arguing is pointless. It’s an opinion.
X-Men: Days of Future Past – A much-anticipated sequel in the X series, which honestly seem to keep getting better. (4/5)
Other superhero flicks (Spidey and Cap’n) – all flash, no content. But it’s a superhero movie, what do you expect? (4/5)
The Monuments Men – if you were going to remake Ocean’s, you could have at least avoided using both Clooney and Damon again. And who keeps giving John Goodman work? (3/5)
RoboCop – Normally, I am NOT a fan of remakes. But once you give a movie enough time to age, I say bring on the reboot. (4/5)
Vampire Academy – Just because this movie is going to make a TON of money doesn’t mean it isn’t going to be just awful. (1.5/5)
How To Train Your Dragon 2 – A sequel to one of the few kids animated movies I can comfortably watch completely? I’m game. (3/5)
Transforme– No. I am not even going to finish typing that. STOP WITH THE DAMN TRANSFORMERS SEQUELS. They have gotten progressively worse and worse. And honestly, after his plagiarism debacle the other week, I have no interest in financially supporting a series that involves Shia “Spellcheck Exploder” LaBoeuf. (0/5)
Pompeii – This movie is going to be awesome. The story has all the Oscar-bait you could ask for, and it looks pretty too. (4.5/5)
Son of God – If you want to know what this movie is about, go to Mel Gibson’s IMDB. Because it is the same thing. If “movie plagiarism” was a common enough thing that you could sue for it, I would organize a class action lawsuit against these guys. (0/5)
Non-stop – Liam Neeson? Check. Somewhat unique premise for why he has a gun? Check. That’s literally all you need on a checklist to make a fairly entertaining movie that will also make a ton of money. (3/5)
300: Rise of an Empire – Pros: It looks gorgeous, and who doesn’t like slo-mo, super HDR gory fight scenes? Cons: 300 was based on, albeit loosely, a real story. You can’t sequel a real story with a fake story. That’d be like “Titanic 2: The Swim Home”. (3/5)
Neighbors – Quote me on this. This movie will become a cult classic out of nowhere. (5/5)
Godzilla – Seriously? Screw you guys. Stop remaking this damn movie. (2/5)
Sin City: A Dame to Kill – I have a soft spot in my heart for Modern Film Noir with gritty tones like Sin City, and this new chapter looks pretty enticing. (4/5)
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – I really hope this movie will live up to its predecessors, but something tells me that it will not. I think it’s going to be more like trying to make Animal House 2. (3/5)
I miss anything? What movies are you the most excited for? Let us know in the comments!
